Wednesday, June 21, 2017

How To Be Happy At Work - When You Don’t Like Your Job


Some of us are lucky enough to have a career that fascinates us. However, there are many more who exchange labour for money so that they can enjoy the other part of their lives. That’s perfectly fine but it can mean being less than enthusiastic about work. And when the job takes up 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, it can quickly become a miserable experience. If this is you, check out this suggestion for you to be happier at work.

While there are lots of different psychological approaches to working on this problem, one of my favourite go-tos is Self Determination Theory.

What is it?
Basically, this is a macro theory that suggests motivation relies on us having three things:
  1. Autonomy - having control over your own life.
  2. Competence - developing skills you are proud of and having them recognised
  3. Relatedness - being part of a team, or at least feeling connected to the people around you
Okay, now if Edward Deci and Richard Ryan ever see this over simplified summary of their forty odd years of research, they’d probably have fits. However, this is a simple blog post and it’s good enough for you to get started.

How do I use it?
Look at your work and analyse your average month.  Then ask yourself questions and use the answers to pump up your happiness potential.

Autonomy
Question 1: At what point in my work do I feel as if I’m Mistress of the Universe? Look for that feeling of control and purpose.
Question 2: What parts of my work mesh with my own beliefs about how life should be?

For example, suppose you work in a customer service centre and feel at the beck and call of faceless others. By asking these questions you might find that your core values include kindness and making a difference. If so, know that each time you help a customer, you are making the world a tiny bit better. If you shift perspective and tell yourself you really are spreading joy, work becomes more joyful.

Competence
Question 1: What do I do that’s fantastic?
Question 2: What do I do okay at that I want to become fantastic at?

Simply put: we love doing things we do well, and we often do well at the things we love. So when you pick a work skill and turn it into your super power, you will get a thrill every time you use that work skill. This pushes up your overall happiness level. Bonus: if you become a true skills ninja, you may be able to get a job you like better!  

Relatedness
Question 1: Do I feel connected to the people around me? And if I don’t how do I make that happen?

For me this is a fundamental part of happiness. People who feel cut off from the world around them fall into despair. There’s no getting away from it: we need to feel connected, even if it’s only to one or two people.

So my advice is, if you can connect to the people you work with in a friendly way, you will feel happier about work. Make friends, and then spread your wings and start connecting with others in your field. LinkedIn is good for that!

If you want more
Like I said, this is a super short blog post that introduces one of the ways you can go about improving your happiness at work.

I’ve made it look like a simple 1-2-3 but clearly there’s a lot more to the theory and what goes into using it in therapy.  This is a conversation starter; it’s not a substitute for proper professional help.

If you are stressed and depressed, and you need help, please do contact me: Ellen Whyte at www.lepak.com

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Check out my feature in Malaysia Womens Weekly

When you've had a shock diagnosis, your thinking can become a bit wobbly. Check out my feature article, "Why we buy quack medicines when we're ill" and the tips on how to cope when someone you love has a health crisis in this month's Malaysia Womens Weekly 



Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Good news - for you!

I've just come back from a long visit to my mum in Spain. It was glorious, and we had a blast. Also lots of pudding with fresh raspberries and blackberries. Yum!


It was lovely but Spain still has a huge unemployment problem (about 20%) which got me thinking about money.  I mean, beyond the fact that I would like to have more of it.

By all accounts, there is a worldwide trend where normal working people get poorer while the 1% gets richer.
Graph from WEF Global Risks 2017 report

The IMF warns that income equality in the USA is getting worse and worse, while the World Economic Forum reports it's not too hot in Europe either

I also get email from people who say they need help but can't afford it. I have several income streams, and I'm doing okay, so for 2017 I'm dropping my prices.

The first discussion lasts about 15 minutes and it's free.
Sessions last about 1 hour and are RM100 by direct deposit and $30 or £25 by Paypal.
The final review session lasts about 15 minutes and it's free.

So if you need help but haven't been able to afford it, email me.  

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Work versus blog!

I'm inundated in work, and having a blast, but knowing this blog is sitting here is a tad frustrating.

When I started the web site, I said I would not blog, as I didn't want the pressure. But it is one of the best ways to communicate, and as I work with strangers, I caved.

Although I have this feeling that I should write here often, my head tells me my heart is wrong. To be successful, you need to focus on what matters. To me this means: fulfilling my appointments with current clients, and meeting my magazine, newspaper, and novel deadlines.

My head tells me blogging is an extra. If it doesn't happen, it's not a big deal.

My heart kicks in and whines, "But...but... we want to be perfect!"

And that's where stress comes from.

So if you don't see me updating my blog, it's because I'm being sensible.

If you're stressed, why not examine your life and see if there's something you're doing that's not essential? Because being perfect is an impossible goal. Being happy is a perfectly possible goal. You just need to see your head and your heart in context.


Monday, February 13, 2017

Try This Simple Tip When Your Mother In Law Drives You Crazy

When you are so frustrated you want to scream or burst into tears this gives you perspective – without turning you into a doormat.


When you’re in a sticky situation, facts, assumptions and emotions all swirl together, blending into each other. Being upset blinds us to facts. And when we are overwhelmed, we tend to jump to conclusions rather than see what is truly happening. This means we’re likely to make mistakes.

There is an old saying, count to ten. Taking a time out can help. But in complex emotional situations, assumptions and biases can obscure issues. You can count to 10 as many times as you like and you still feel frustrated!

Suppose you are in this situation:

You and your husband had a nice dinner with his sister and her husband. The next morning you get a call from your mum-in-law. “You didn’t invite me!” She calls you insensitive, accuses you of trying to cut her out, and has a complete meltdown.

If this happened, you’d probably feel as if you were a monster. Selfish, unthinking. You might quickly promise never to do it again just to keep the peace. Or you might feel so angry and annoyed that you vow never to see her again. Neither will make life happier for you.

You can gain perspective by retelling the story impersonally. Like this:

Jack and Jan invite Rob and Jasmine for dinner. The next day, their friend Sam calls up, screaming that he feels left out. What do you feel now?

If you take away the factors of age and family, you’ll see that this situation isn’t about you or about dinner. Sam clearly has issues he’s trying to push onto jack. Your mum-in-law has issues of her own that she’s pushing on to you.

These issues might include control, loneliness, competition, and more. Whatever is at the root of their behaviour, perspective can help you make better decisions. Like in this example, common sense suggests that if you give in, you run the risk of having to live your life according to their rules – which they will change to suit them. That is going to be very stressful.

A sensible approach is to acknowledge their feelings, without being drawn into discussing who’s right or wrong. For example, “I’m sorry you feel left out.”

You don’t need to promise never to do it again. It’s tempting sometimes – just to keep the peace – but it’s reasonable for you to see your friends. So in future, when you’re in a sticky emotional situation, take a breath, step back and recast events in the third person. Tell yourself a story stripped of emotion. Then examine it again.

It can help you gain perspective – and in turn that can help you come up with better ways of coping that keep the peace with even the trickiest mother-in-law, without turning you into a doormat.

I wrote this originally for Malaysia Womens Weekly. Check it out, and enjoy!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Secret Clues Someone You Love is Dangerously Depressed

Especially in stressful times like these, when the world economy seems stagnant 
and the future is far from clear.

Thanks to RyanMcGuire @ Pixabay

Depression can show itself in many different ways: feeling sad or blank for days at a time, being dead tired and not taking joy from favourite pastimes are classic signs. But depression can also reveal itself in unusual ways. 

These are clues to watch for in the people you love – and in yourself. If you spot these symptoms, approach the subject gently, and talk to a professional therapist or doctor about getting a diagnosis and formulating solutions that work for you.

#1 Ragged nails and messy hair
Uncombed hair, smelly skin, ragged fingernails – it might look like a person is just being careless or disrespectful, but depression can also cause self-neglect. So if someone used to be clean and tidy but now they live in unhygienic surroundings or don’t eat properly it can be a clue that they’re clinically depressed.

#2 Sudden Anger
We often assume a depressed person is withdrawn and quiet. But sadness can sometimes surface as rage. Typically, it’s a rapid angry reaction that’s unreasonable and out of proportion. It’s happens when feelings of guilt, rejection and loss get so bottled up that they erupt as sudden anger – watch for it especially if stress as well as depression are involved.

#3 Working Way Too Much
Faced with intense dark feelings, some people try to avoid these emotions. They might sleep too much, take drugs, or drink too much, but some bury themselves in work. The problem with this symptom is that we often perceive working long hours as being ambitious or trying to provide for a family. So look for other clues: does this behaviour typically seem more like a compulsion? Perhaps he’s clearly exhausted yet he’s up every night trying to finish that report? Or she escapes into her email inbox the second you try to talk to her about her worries.


#4 Forgetting Ordinary Tasks
Depression can make it very hard to concentrate – depressed people tend to forget all kinds of weird things, from leaving their keys in the fridge to leaving the milk out in the hall again. Or they may often forget appointments or constantly be late. Forgetting things is a tricky depression symptom to spot because stress can also make people forgetful – it’s like the brain is just too “full” with worry to remember much. So look for other clues as well, like….

#5 Not being able to make even small decisions
Depression can go hand-in-hand with hopelessness. People get the idea that no matter what they do, it will all go wrong. Victims of depression get wrapped up in thoughts of the bad things to come, that they become unable to make even a tiny decision. Shall I get out of bed? What to have for breakfast? What shall I wear?… it’s all too much. They become apathetic and almost paralysed by indecision. You can go out to work and come back hours later… and they’re still in bed.

#6 Too Much Partying
Dancing on the tables can just be high spirits, but it can also be a form of distraction. If you don’t want to face your dark feelings or you’re frightened of feeling “numb”, it’s tempting to distract yourself by drinking too much or burying yourself in frantic activity. But instead of going out feeling like fun, it feels like desperation, and there’s an undercurrent of hopelessness.

This article written by me, Ellen Whyte, originally appeared on Malaysia Womens Weekly.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

5 Weird Body Clues That Show You Are Stressed

Telltale signs that you are stressed can be surprising as well. Find yourself identifying with one or more of these clues? Assess what’s going on in your life.


Normally we associate stress with bad stuff happening, like losing a job or having too many deadlines. But stress is simply a reaction. You can be stressed by being promoted, getting a raise, and even by going on holiday.

#1 Flatulence. When you’re stressed, your body goes into flight or fight mode. This includes making changes to your digestive system. When you’re stressed continuously, this can cause an upset tummy, diarrhea, constipation and gas.

#2 Weird dreams. There are a lot of theories about why we dream, and if they have an impact on our health, but studies suggest we all dream at various points in the night, whether we remember them or not. While nothing can be done about dreams, some people find they dream more – and more vividly – when they’re stressed. So strange wild dreams can be a useful clue that you’re taking on too much in your life.

#3 Skin rashes, spots and pimples. When sweat glands are blocked, trapped moisture leads to inflammation such as spots and rashes. Sweating is normal in hot tropical countries like Singapore and Malaysia, but when you’re stressed, you tend to perspire even more. At the same time, being over-stressed can affect your immune system, which can also inflame skin issues like acne. If you have skin conditions like allergies, eczema or psoriasis, these are also more likely to flare up if you’re stressed.

#4 Muscle cramps. When you’re stressed, you may tense your muscles. After prolonged tension, this can lead to all kinds of cramps. Although you might have tummy cramps one day and foot cramp the next, a lot of people find that they are affected in a particular way. I get back pain and tension headaches when I’m stressed.

#5 Menstrual problems. Stress can make your periods arrive early, late or disappear altogether. Most annoyingly, it can increase period pain. In the long-term, stress can affect fertility for both men and women. If you’re worried about this, keep a diary that includes stress level notes for auditing and talk to your gynae.

Note: I have two jobs, author and counselling psychologist. This article first appeared on Malaysia Women's Weekly on 22 December 2016.  Go over and check out the free articles, and buy the magazine copy for even more goodies!