Thursday, October 12, 2017

I am safe to come out to - celebrating Coming Out Day in the USA

Today is National Coming Out Day in the USA, a time dedicated to raising awareness of civil rights for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community.

If you don't know me personally, this seems a good day to say that I am a safe person to come out to.

If you're in a country where being LGBT is a crime, and you're looking for a therapist for managing depression and stress, please know you can talk to me secretly and safely.

Contact me via email at happy@lepak.com

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Are you being sexually harassed online? Here's what to do.

Online sexual harassment is common and I’m fed up of people who think we should suck it up or ignore this incredibly wicked and damaging behaviour.

If you are a victim, here are some tips for reporting effectively.

We’re going to do this in three stages: documenting, reporting and support.

Preparation
Thanks to Stevenpb from Pixabay
1. Take screenshots of each and every incident.

2. Note the time and date.

3. Take a screenshot of the perpetrator’s personal details. Be sure to capture all their pages, from their education to their contact list.

4. Write a coherent detailed report of what happened and when, complete with all your screenshots. If you find anything is missing, now is the time to go back and collect evidence.

5. When your report is complete, report each comment to Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter etc. Each comment is a report, so note down when you report them, and add that information to your report. Yes, take a screenshot!

6. Block the user who is harassing you. From this moment on, you can’t see him or her anymore, so once you’ve done this, you won’t be able to add to your report, okay? So make double sure you have everything you need before this step.

Reporting
Contact MyCERT, the Malaysian cyber security people. Note, this works if there is a Malaysian connection: for example, you can use them if you are in Malaysia, the perpetrator is in Malaysia, or the company he or she works for is Malaysian.

If there is no Malaysian connection at all, contact whoever is responsible for cyber crimes in your own community.

My advice is to phone and then email MyCERT. Ask for an incidence report number. Add this to your overall report.

Once you’ve lodged your MyCERT report, you can consider these further options.

A. Take the information to the police. If you aim to take this to court, or you think the person attacking you will turn up at your house/office one day, you need to alert the police.
If you don’t intend to go to court, and don't anticipate other dangers, then this step may or may not be worth it.

On the one hand, the police should know what’s going on. For all we know, the person harassing you is already a person of interest in other crimes. This may or may not include stalking, domestic violence, criminal intimidation and so on. If that is so, the police really need to hear from you.

On the other, the police tend to be understaffed when it comes to tech crime experts. My view is that a reasonable compromise is to go and see them and ask if they’d like a formal report. Policing should be a community effort, and so reasonable adults should be able to talk reasonably.

B. Inform the company the perpetrator works for that you have filed an official complaint.

In my view this is incredibly important. If someone is happy to sexually harass you online, you can bet your boots they’re doing it at work too.

We all know how hard it is to make a formal complaint at work about harassment. It is vital that management has a heads-up so they can make informed decisions.

Also, if it were my company, I would want to know that my people were disgracing my name online.

However, it's up to you to decide if you want to do this. If you feel uncomfortable, you might also talk to a lawyer and have her do it for you.

Me, I'm the direct kind. I would write directly to the CEO and let her send it to whoever needs to deal with it within her own system. For a very large company, I might also copy my note to HR. And if I weren't seeing a response, I would send it to their corporate communications department. Believe me, if you want a response, the media people will be screaming the second they get your email.

C. You may decide not to report it further.

Reporting means getting more people involved, more talking and there is no doubt that many people just can't cope with that kind of pressure.

If that's you, then make your report to MyCERT and the social media it happened on and leave it. I know I'll get slammed for this but let me tell you: if it's going to make you ill, then don't force yourself to be a hero. Just keep reporting; that's good enough. The more of us who report, the better. And your information may bolster someone else's case.

If you decide to tackle these bullies, good for you! Yes, it's a drain but the more of us who step up, the easier it becomes for others to speak up. So go for it, but do make sure that you manage the stress that goes along with this kind of case.

Support
You can expect some fallout for reporting. First, there are invariably ignorant and hurtful comments online from people who blame you for being the victim of this crime. It’s up to you whether you choose to educate them or remove them from your friends list.

Second, you may also face harassment from the perpetrator’s pals who hope to frighten you off. After all, you’re spoiling their nasty little game by shining a light on them. This can get very nasty, from having them put out fake news about you, to direct physical threats of violence. If you're worried, talk to the police and your lawyer. In case of extra harassment, document and report.

Finally, when you report your case may go nowhere. However, if someone decent becomes involved, they will follow up. That can mean telling your story over and over again. That is in itself stressful because it's like having the wound poked at repeatedly, plus there's bound to be questioning of your motives, person etc.

To cope with the overall stress, my advice is to gather your support network. Identify friends, colleagues and acquaintances who can help you long-term, short-term and in specific instances. Make a list!

Also, spend twenty minutes a day focusing on destressing. That should have a twin focus:

1. Doing something fun that you like (talking to your cat, watching silly films on YouTube) and,

2. Working of physical stress either by running or by hitting something very hard to get rid of the anger (tennis, squash, kickboxing - whatever works)

You might also enlist the help of a professional like me to help you manage this difficult time.

I’m a counselling psychologist and I work online over Skype, Facetime and Messenger. Contact me through happy@lepak.com.

And finally, don’t blame yourself! Put the blame where it is: on the nasty minds who get their kicks from attacking others.

Good luck!

Monday, September 11, 2017

Are You For Real? A Tip For Avoiding Con Artists Posing As Psychologists

Most of the information we see online about  psychologists comes from the EU, North America, Australia and New Zealand. That's a problem if you don't live there because it gives a very false impression of the field.

Psychologists deal with vulnerable people but in most of the world, the profession is totally unregulated.

Shocking, right? If you're in Malaysia, Hong Kong, Cambodia, Indonesia and goodness knows how many other countries, you can simply announce, "I'm a psychologist!" and nobody will do a blessed thing to stop you messing about with people who are suicidal, struggling with learning issues and other serious problems.

There are con artists with no training whatsoever, not even a basic diploma in psychology, running companies that advertise in newspapers, setting up their own endorsement agencies, and even their own training centres.  They  'diagnose' you and often charge the earth, too.

There is plenty of discussion about it in the field, but in my opinion, this will be an ongoing issue for some years to come. Even if you fix the problem with a quick bit of legislation, enforcement is difficult - especially as these people will simply rebrand themselves as "lifestyle gurus" or whatever other title sounds cool.

So when you need a psychologist, how do you avoid the cons? I had the look yesterday at the social media (Facebook and LinkedIn) of several leading lights in the community and then I compared it to some known crooks.

The legitimate people were posting cartoons of owls, photos of their lunch, moaning about their kids, giggling about silly things that happened to them, sharing jokes - and very occasionally commenting on a psychological issue.

The cons had a steady stream consisting of shares of journal articles, press articles, motivational quotes and their own evil advertising.

Depressing, right?  The cons looked so damn legitimate that if I didn't know better, I'd consult them!

So what can you do? One thing that did stand out was this: real people have connections to universities. They don't necessarily work in them but they'll have friends there.

So I'd say this: if you are looking for a psychologist online, first see who their friends are. And if they are posting, see if their pals commenting are from recognisable unis. If they are, you're probably okay.

You can also ask me. I may not know the people you want to consult myself, but I have a South East Asia network that I'm happy to draw on.



Sunday, August 27, 2017

Should your counselling psychologist give you advice?



Sigmund Freud, Wikipedia
If you’ve never been to see someone about a mental health issue before this may seem a weird question.  However, there are two broad approaches to our kind of work.

In the old days, clients would pitch up, describe what was going on, and receive an expert opinion.  Possibly this came about because many of the first modern generation of mental health providers were psychiatrists, medical doctors specializing in mental health.  So they’d act like traditional doctors, dispensing wise counsel to their patients.

Carl Rogers, Wikipedia
But in the 1940s, the idea of a client centered approach became popular. It was championed by Carl Rogers, a psychologist (not a medical doctor!) who believed that we are each our own best expert. He advocated that mental health workers should listen to and work with the client to set goals and find solutions.

Today mental health providers who give advice are called Directive and those who are client centered approach are called Non-Directive.

Generally speaking, people in the West lean towards wanting Non-Directive practitioners because it generally falls in line better with our individualistic, egalitarian cultural approaches while people in South East Asia lean towards wanting Directive practitioners because it falls in line better with their group oriented, strong hierarchical cultural approaches.

I say generally and am making sweeping statements because this is just a casual blog post. If you want to debate this, we can talk about it.  For now the question is, if you are looking for help and a bit uncertain about what you want, what should you know?

Here are some thoughts:

A big pro of the Directive approach is that you don’t have to make any decisions. You pay someone to do it for you. If you get someone good, who thinks like you, that can work very well. However, the main drawback is that what works for me, may not work for you. If you are not totally in sync, the advice may not work - or make things worse.

A big pro of the Non-Directive is that you are involved in every stage of the process, and so you are much more likely to develop good approaches that suit your unique person and situation. The main drawback is that it takes a lot of work, and it can be tiring.

Me, I suggest it’s best to work with someone like me who does a bit of both. You see, there are times when something is clear to me because of my training and experience.

For example, I’m very happy to say things like, “There are three ways of doing this, A, B and C. From what I know of you, I’d go with approach B as it’s most likely to suit you best.”

I’m also not shy about giving opinions. For example, “I think you should consider looking into your relationship with your MIL, because it sounds toxic and I think it may cause you trouble if you don’t address it.”

But then I also check with you that this is what you want. And if you disagree, that’s okay too. Because I’m someone you work with; I’m not your nanny.

PS: if you are looking for discreet support, you can contact me via happy@lepak.com.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

When hate gets to you, reach out

Does it seem to you that hate is becoming mainstream?

My brother called me this morning, worried about the terror attacks in Barcelona, Cambrills and Turku over the last few days, coming right on top of Charlottesville, Manchester and London. As he's in Saudi and I'm in Malaysia, we are also aware of the many hate crimes that don't hit main stream news media.

"I don't believe in profiling," he said, "but we have to do something about violent arseholes!"

In case you're confused which particular violent arseholes we were thinking about, the answer is all of them. 

You see, if you take me, my brother and our partners and their sibs and partners, just us very close family, you will see a kind of United Nations effect. We range from Nippon Paint's brilliant white to the finest dark chocolate in terms of skin, and we cover most of the major faith groups. We're from Europe, North America and Africa and we live in all those places plus the Middle East and Far East Asia.

In other words: whenever someone blows up "the enemy" or mouths off about "the x problem" you're talking about one of us. It is very hard not to fall into hate. Especially when politicians and faith leaders make speeches about how you are Evil Incarnate.

I can't fix the world but I can help manage my feelings.

What helps me is engaging with people who are cheerfully accepting of differences. The kind who  just respect that we're all different and celebrate it.

When I'm having an anti-X moment, I pick up the phone, and go for a coffee with a friend who isn't like me, and we just hang and have a good time. It can be a Malaysian Christian Mala or a Cambodian Muslim May or a Thai Hindu Myriam - it doesn't matter. Just reminding myself that friendships cross divides cheers me up.
 
Good random experiences are a tonic too. Like when me and my friend Emanar were in Central Market a week or two ago, talking to two Malay girls running a clothing stall.

"I need a party shirt for my husband," I said to them.

They hauled out a lovely batik, perfect for a posh event.

"I love it," I said. "But I'm thinking more of a party at the pub."

"He can wear this there too," the sisters giggled. "And he'll look so handsome!"

"He's dressed nicely all week at work. Do you have something more relaxed?"

The sisters thought for a second, and then dived into their stock, producing the best beach party shirt I'd seen in years and asking, "Will tuna fish be suitable for the pub?"

"The tuna fish," I said seriously, "will be the talk of the regulars for weeks!"

"Tell them where you bought it!" the girls chorused instantly.  

Such a simple story, right? An everyday occurrence. But when I hear hate speech urging us into "Us & Them" remembering that little scene gives me hope.

Hate isn't universal. And when we reach out and remind ourselves of the ordinary people who are quite happy to accept differences, the world looks a little better.

PS the sisters have the stall on the first floor, on the balcony, directly facing the main door. Their batik shirts are awesome, and they had several more tuna shirts! You should go and take a look.

 

Friday, August 11, 2017

Review of How to Remove a Brain: and other bizarre medical practices and procedures by David Haviland


My first thought is that if you were suspicious of doctors, How to Remove a Brain: and other bizarre medical practices and procedures  by David Haviland will drive you screaming away from them!  This is a wonderful book devoted to dragging up every weird and wacky idea in medical science from times ancient to present.

Well written with a pen dipped in sarcasm, you’ll find yourself laughing and groaning.  I thoroughly enjoyed it!

On a more serious note, I wanted to read this because it also has a nice little history of how Western doctors used to deal with their patients. It seems that the posh ones didn’t bother talking to their patients directly; they wrote letters to each other. Because actually seeing someone and possibly viewing nasty body bits was just too eeeeeewwww.

I have a feeling that this is what influenced early mental health practitioners to adopt the stand-back-and-don’t-engage policy that still permeates the profession today. As I’m a counselling psychologist, I found a lot of food for thought in this book as well as a lot of giggles.

I would very much recommend How To Remove a Brain. However, I do worry that with the present hate campaign against science, David Haviland’s book will add to this trend as it completely ignores all the positive innovations. Still, let the truth prevail!

I received this book from the publishers via NetGalley and am reviewing voluntarily

Friday, July 28, 2017

Review of Shame: A Brief History by Peter Stearns



"Shame: A Brief History by Peter Stearns is a well researched beautifully written thought-provoking book! A must read for psychologists, leaders, teachers, parents, managers and anyone interested in human nature." Ellen Whyte, upcoming Amazon review 

I love this book! Peter Stearns did a brilliant job of presenting shaming uses and norms in societies past and present, and I love the way he examines the resurgence of shame 's use as a force in today 's social media.

Stearns thinks that the rise of the individual led the demise of the use of shame as a tool for power and control in the US. He points out, though, that it has risen again, thanks to the anonymity of the internet. Thus, shame is still used to control, but the nature of its use has changed. You'll have to read it to find out more!

I loved this book because I live in Malaysia, a country with a collective and hierarchical culture, which means shame is perceived and used in ways that we don’t really see much of in the West. This book really helped me pull together some threads of thought, and I am certain that I will be better at my job because of it.

My immediate thought is that I see many of the traditional uses of shame here but there are also significant differences. For example, girls and boys who are abused, raped and victims of incest, are still regularly blamed and the family is shamed into keeping silent so that the perpetrator gets away with it.  However, I see more and more people standing up for victims. Malaysia is a collective society, not an individualistic one, and yet, we're seeing large changes in thinking, just like the US saw in the 1800s. 

I'm going to read this book again next week, and then I'm going to talk to some activists, lawyers and HR managers to get their input. Then I'll read the book again. I'm certain this will be one of my most influential books of 2017.

It comes out 15th September 2017 and if you can get your hands on it, do buy it!

I received a copy of this book from the publishers through NetGalley and am reviewing voluntarily.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Check out this therapy plan for tackling stress and depression at work


Thanks to geralt from pixabay
When you go for therapy, a treatment plan is essential for tracking progress and reaching your goals.

Tony Soprano and Adrian Monk visit their therapists for years, talking about themselves and exploring their motivations in order to gain personal understanding. The positive is that it can be very revealing but the downside is that it can take a long time (read: expensive). Also, with a goal as vague as “self understanding”, it can be difficult to track and evaluate progress.

While I can provide that kind of service, I prefer to help my clients develop effective strategies for managing themselves. To do that, I use treatment plans that list goals, therapy strategies and timelines.

Check out how that works by looking at this hypothetical case.  

In our initial free session, Alex has decided to look for therapy because of stress, 
“I get this uptight feeling at work all the time. Every time the boss talks to me, I have this inner voice that says I suck. It’s getting to me so much that I’m having trouble sleeping. Help!”
In our first session, we find the following:
·        History reveals no family history of depression. Current physical health is excellent with medical exam for insurance showing no issues.
·        Alex scores 12 on the PHQ-9 depression inventory, indicating moderate depression. Items scored were low interest, low mood, sleep issues, little energy, feeling bad about yourself.
·        Alex scores 1 on the SBQ-R Suicide Behaviors Questionnaire-Revised, indicating almost zero risk of suicide.
·        The life stress evaluation form (Ellen’s design) highlights the following problem areas: a recent promotion, upgrading of home leading to renovations lasting 6 weeks, minor money budget issues, and upcoming large family gathering. Good solid marriage, nice kids, no issues with in-laws.

After a discussion, Alex decides on these therapy goals:
1.      Help me get over my depression
2.      Get me sleeping again
3.      Stop me thinking that I suck

I then go away, consider everything Alex has told me. I come to these conclusions:

First off, lack of sleep magnifies depression, fuelling the particular symptoms of low interest, low mood, and little energy. If we fix the sleeping problems, some of the depression will lift. It is my priority.

Second, I suspect the depression and “I suck” thoughts stem from pressure of promotion that are magnified by the stressful events at home - the renovations and the big family events. These mean extra money pressures and with the whole family focused on, “What’s new and exciting?” Alex is feeling the pressure to excel. This is a problem because of the recent promotion.

I think that when Alex understands why he’s thinking, “I suck” and learns to stop thinking it, his depressive symptom “feeling bad about yourself” will lessen.  Because of his new promotion, it would also help to give him an overall more secure sense of happiness at work.

So this is my plan:

The Big Picture
Alex is feeling less interest in daily life, is tired all the time and has unsettling “I suck” thoughts at work
Longterm Goal 1: Help Alex get back to an even keel, demonstrated by scoring 3 or lower on the PHQ-9
Longterm Goal 2: Help Alex to stop thinking, “I suck” and replace it with confidence, “I can do this” thinking.
Longterm Goal 3: Help Alex boost his overall happiness at work

#1 Problem Insomnia
Description: Alex can’t fall asleep, lying awake and worrying for hours
Goal: Help Alex go back to falling asleep within 15 minutes of going to bed.
Steps to Achieve Goal:
·        Sleep hygiene evaluation to pinpoint weaknesses and suggest improvements
·        Teach relaxation technique, choose Progressive Muscle Relaxation technique or Visualisation technique
Should take 3 sessions to reach goal

#2 Problem “I suck”
Description: when the boss talks to Alex, Alex’s first thought is, “I suck”.
Goal: Help Alex manage this by stopping the negative thought and replacing it with a positive thought of confidence
Steps to Achieve Goal:
·        We will tackle the “I suck” thoughts with Cognitive Behavioural (CBT) therapy
·        Should take 6 to 8 sessions to reach goal

#3 Problem depression at work
Description: Alex has been promoted and is feeling a little uncertain about his capabilities at work.
Goal: Help Alex boost his overall happiness at work
Steps to Achieve Goal:
·        Use Self Determination Theory to identify and boost areas that are weak: autonomy, competence and relatedness
·        We will identify Alex’s support structure in order to help provide long-term support.
·        Should take 5 to 8 sessions to reach goal

Plan and Schedule

Session
Process
Time and Cost
1
Discover background and broad goals
20 minutes, free
2
Set contract and evaluation
2 hours, RM100/ US$30

Ellen develops therapy plan
Free
3
Insomnia:
·        Sleep hygiene evaluation to pinpoint weaknesses and suggest improvements
·        Teach relaxation technique
Homework: practice relaxation technique
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
4
Insomnia:
·        Check on how relaxation technique is working
·        Practice if necessary
“I suck”:
·        Explain and practice Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT)
·        Anticipate and model real life opportunities to practice over the next week
Homework: practice CBT
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
5
Insomnia:
·        Check on how relaxation technique is working
“I suck”
·        Review and practice CBT
Happiness at Work
·        Use Self Determination Theory to examine and boost autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Homework: practice CBT
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
6
Insomnia
·        Should be good now! But check
“I suck”
·        We should be seeing some positive results now from CBT.
·        Review and practice CBT
Happiness at Work
·        Develop support network to underpin successful change
Homework: practice CBT, practice leaning on support network
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
7
“I suck”
·        Review and practice CBT.
Happiness at Work
·        Use Self Determination Theory to examine and boost autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Homework: practice CBT, pay attention to boosting self determination
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
8
“I suck”
·        Review and practice CBT.
Happiness at Work
·        Use Self Determination Theory to examine and boost autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Homework: practice CBT, pay attention to boosting self determination
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
9
“I suck”
·        Review and practice CBT.
Happiness at Work
·        Use Self Determination Theory to examine and boost autonomy, competence and relatedness.
Homework: practice CBT, pay attention to boosting self determination
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
At this point we have done the minimum sessions: 6 of CBT and 5 Happiness at Work
We may need to do 2 more sessions here. But supposing we’re doing great! Then we move on to the final stages.
10
Redo depression inventory
Redo stress inventory
Examine goals and progress
Decide if more sessions are needed
1 hour, RM100/ US$30
11
Follow up two months after
15 minutes, free


Note that this assumes that you are doing the homework and not blowing it off, and that you don’t turn up in session four saying, “Can we just have a chat about my dad who used to beat the hell out of me when I was six?” Of course you can, but then we need a new plan of action to tackle that issue.

If you’re still reading, thanks!  I hope this gives you an idea of how therapy works and how you might use a treatment plan to track progress and effectiveness. It’s also essential for budgeting.

If you want to ask something, or are looking for a counselling psychologist, contact me at happy@lepak.com. 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

How To Be Happy At Work - When You Don’t Like Your Job


Some of us are lucky enough to have a career that fascinates us. However, there are many more who exchange labour for money so that they can enjoy the other part of their lives. That’s perfectly fine but it can mean being less than enthusiastic about work. And when the job takes up 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, it can quickly become a miserable experience. If this is you, check out this suggestion for you to be happier at work.

While there are lots of different psychological approaches to working on this problem, one of my favourite go-tos is Self Determination Theory.

What is it?
Basically, this is a macro theory that suggests motivation relies on us having three things:
  1. Autonomy - having control over your own life.
  2. Competence - developing skills you are proud of and having them recognised
  3. Relatedness - being part of a team, or at least feeling connected to the people around you
Okay, now if Edward Deci and Richard Ryan ever see this over simplified summary of their forty odd years of research, they’d probably have fits. However, this is a simple blog post and it’s good enough for you to get started.

How do I use it?
Look at your work and analyse your average month.  Then ask yourself questions and use the answers to pump up your happiness potential.

Autonomy
Question 1: At what point in my work do I feel as if I’m Mistress of the Universe? Look for that feeling of control and purpose.
Question 2: What parts of my work mesh with my own beliefs about how life should be?

For example, suppose you work in a customer service centre and feel at the beck and call of faceless others. By asking these questions you might find that your core values include kindness and making a difference. If so, know that each time you help a customer, you are making the world a tiny bit better. If you shift perspective and tell yourself you really are spreading joy, work becomes more joyful.

Competence
Question 1: What do I do that’s fantastic?
Question 2: What do I do okay at that I want to become fantastic at?

Simply put: we love doing things we do well, and we often do well at the things we love. So when you pick a work skill and turn it into your super power, you will get a thrill every time you use that work skill. This pushes up your overall happiness level. Bonus: if you become a true skills ninja, you may be able to get a job you like better!  

Relatedness
Question 1: Do I feel connected to the people around me? And if I don’t how do I make that happen?

For me this is a fundamental part of happiness. People who feel cut off from the world around them fall into despair. There’s no getting away from it: we need to feel connected, even if it’s only to one or two people.

So my advice is, if you can connect to the people you work with in a friendly way, you will feel happier about work. Make friends, and then spread your wings and start connecting with others in your field. LinkedIn is good for that!

If you want more
Like I said, this is a super short blog post that introduces one of the ways you can go about improving your happiness at work.

I’ve made it look like a simple 1-2-3 but clearly there’s a lot more to the theory and what goes into using it in therapy.  This is a conversation starter; it’s not a substitute for proper professional help.

If you are stressed and depressed, and you need help, please do contact me: Ellen Whyte at www.lepak.com

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Check out my feature in Malaysia Womens Weekly

When you've had a shock diagnosis, your thinking can become a bit wobbly. Check out my feature article, "Why we buy quack medicines when we're ill" and the tips on how to cope when someone you love has a health crisis in this month's Malaysia Womens Weekly 



Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Good news - for you!

I've just come back from a long visit to my mum in Spain. It was glorious, and we had a blast. Also lots of pudding with fresh raspberries and blackberries. Yum!


It was lovely but Spain still has a huge unemployment problem (about 20%) which got me thinking about money.  I mean, beyond the fact that I would like to have more of it.

By all accounts, there is a worldwide trend where normal working people get poorer while the 1% gets richer.
Graph from WEF Global Risks 2017 report

The IMF warns that income equality in the USA is getting worse and worse, while the World Economic Forum reports it's not too hot in Europe either

I also get email from people who say they need help but can't afford it. I have several income streams, and I'm doing okay, so for 2017 I'm dropping my prices.

The first discussion lasts about 15 minutes and it's free.
Sessions last about 1 hour and are RM100 by direct deposit and $30 or £25 by Paypal.
The final review session lasts about 15 minutes and it's free.

So if you need help but haven't been able to afford it, email me.  

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Work versus blog!

I'm inundated in work, and having a blast, but knowing this blog is sitting here is a tad frustrating.

When I started the web site, I said I would not blog, as I didn't want the pressure. But it is one of the best ways to communicate, and as I work with strangers, I caved.

Although I have this feeling that I should write here often, my head tells me my heart is wrong. To be successful, you need to focus on what matters. To me this means: fulfilling my appointments with current clients, and meeting my magazine, newspaper, and novel deadlines.

My head tells me blogging is an extra. If it doesn't happen, it's not a big deal.

My heart kicks in and whines, "But...but... we want to be perfect!"

And that's where stress comes from.

So if you don't see me updating my blog, it's because I'm being sensible.

If you're stressed, why not examine your life and see if there's something you're doing that's not essential? Because being perfect is an impossible goal. Being happy is a perfectly possible goal. You just need to see your head and your heart in context.


Monday, February 13, 2017

Try This Simple Tip When Your Mother In Law Drives You Crazy

When you are so frustrated you want to scream or burst into tears this gives you perspective – without turning you into a doormat.


When you’re in a sticky situation, facts, assumptions and emotions all swirl together, blending into each other. Being upset blinds us to facts. And when we are overwhelmed, we tend to jump to conclusions rather than see what is truly happening. This means we’re likely to make mistakes.

There is an old saying, count to ten. Taking a time out can help. But in complex emotional situations, assumptions and biases can obscure issues. You can count to 10 as many times as you like and you still feel frustrated!

Suppose you are in this situation:

You and your husband had a nice dinner with his sister and her husband. The next morning you get a call from your mum-in-law. “You didn’t invite me!” She calls you insensitive, accuses you of trying to cut her out, and has a complete meltdown.

If this happened, you’d probably feel as if you were a monster. Selfish, unthinking. You might quickly promise never to do it again just to keep the peace. Or you might feel so angry and annoyed that you vow never to see her again. Neither will make life happier for you.

You can gain perspective by retelling the story impersonally. Like this:

Jack and Jan invite Rob and Jasmine for dinner. The next day, their friend Sam calls up, screaming that he feels left out. What do you feel now?

If you take away the factors of age and family, you’ll see that this situation isn’t about you or about dinner. Sam clearly has issues he’s trying to push onto jack. Your mum-in-law has issues of her own that she’s pushing on to you.

These issues might include control, loneliness, competition, and more. Whatever is at the root of their behaviour, perspective can help you make better decisions. Like in this example, common sense suggests that if you give in, you run the risk of having to live your life according to their rules – which they will change to suit them. That is going to be very stressful.

A sensible approach is to acknowledge their feelings, without being drawn into discussing who’s right or wrong. For example, “I’m sorry you feel left out.”

You don’t need to promise never to do it again. It’s tempting sometimes – just to keep the peace – but it’s reasonable for you to see your friends. So in future, when you’re in a sticky emotional situation, take a breath, step back and recast events in the third person. Tell yourself a story stripped of emotion. Then examine it again.

It can help you gain perspective – and in turn that can help you come up with better ways of coping that keep the peace with even the trickiest mother-in-law, without turning you into a doormat.

I wrote this originally for Malaysia Womens Weekly. Check it out, and enjoy!

Monday, February 6, 2017

Secret Clues Someone You Love is Dangerously Depressed

Especially in stressful times like these, when the world economy seems stagnant 
and the future is far from clear.

Thanks to RyanMcGuire @ Pixabay

Depression can show itself in many different ways: feeling sad or blank for days at a time, being dead tired and not taking joy from favourite pastimes are classic signs. But depression can also reveal itself in unusual ways. 

These are clues to watch for in the people you love – and in yourself. If you spot these symptoms, approach the subject gently, and talk to a professional therapist or doctor about getting a diagnosis and formulating solutions that work for you.

#1 Ragged nails and messy hair
Uncombed hair, smelly skin, ragged fingernails – it might look like a person is just being careless or disrespectful, but depression can also cause self-neglect. So if someone used to be clean and tidy but now they live in unhygienic surroundings or don’t eat properly it can be a clue that they’re clinically depressed.

#2 Sudden Anger
We often assume a depressed person is withdrawn and quiet. But sadness can sometimes surface as rage. Typically, it’s a rapid angry reaction that’s unreasonable and out of proportion. It’s happens when feelings of guilt, rejection and loss get so bottled up that they erupt as sudden anger – watch for it especially if stress as well as depression are involved.

#3 Working Way Too Much
Faced with intense dark feelings, some people try to avoid these emotions. They might sleep too much, take drugs, or drink too much, but some bury themselves in work. The problem with this symptom is that we often perceive working long hours as being ambitious or trying to provide for a family. So look for other clues: does this behaviour typically seem more like a compulsion? Perhaps he’s clearly exhausted yet he’s up every night trying to finish that report? Or she escapes into her email inbox the second you try to talk to her about her worries.


#4 Forgetting Ordinary Tasks
Depression can make it very hard to concentrate – depressed people tend to forget all kinds of weird things, from leaving their keys in the fridge to leaving the milk out in the hall again. Or they may often forget appointments or constantly be late. Forgetting things is a tricky depression symptom to spot because stress can also make people forgetful – it’s like the brain is just too “full” with worry to remember much. So look for other clues as well, like….

#5 Not being able to make even small decisions
Depression can go hand-in-hand with hopelessness. People get the idea that no matter what they do, it will all go wrong. Victims of depression get wrapped up in thoughts of the bad things to come, that they become unable to make even a tiny decision. Shall I get out of bed? What to have for breakfast? What shall I wear?… it’s all too much. They become apathetic and almost paralysed by indecision. You can go out to work and come back hours later… and they’re still in bed.

#6 Too Much Partying
Dancing on the tables can just be high spirits, but it can also be a form of distraction. If you don’t want to face your dark feelings or you’re frightened of feeling “numb”, it’s tempting to distract yourself by drinking too much or burying yourself in frantic activity. But instead of going out feeling like fun, it feels like desperation, and there’s an undercurrent of hopelessness.

This article written by me, Ellen Whyte, originally appeared on Malaysia Womens Weekly.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

5 Weird Body Clues That Show You Are Stressed

Telltale signs that you are stressed can be surprising as well. Find yourself identifying with one or more of these clues? Assess what’s going on in your life.


Normally we associate stress with bad stuff happening, like losing a job or having too many deadlines. But stress is simply a reaction. You can be stressed by being promoted, getting a raise, and even by going on holiday.

#1 Flatulence. When you’re stressed, your body goes into flight or fight mode. This includes making changes to your digestive system. When you’re stressed continuously, this can cause an upset tummy, diarrhea, constipation and gas.

#2 Weird dreams. There are a lot of theories about why we dream, and if they have an impact on our health, but studies suggest we all dream at various points in the night, whether we remember them or not. While nothing can be done about dreams, some people find they dream more – and more vividly – when they’re stressed. So strange wild dreams can be a useful clue that you’re taking on too much in your life.

#3 Skin rashes, spots and pimples. When sweat glands are blocked, trapped moisture leads to inflammation such as spots and rashes. Sweating is normal in hot tropical countries like Singapore and Malaysia, but when you’re stressed, you tend to perspire even more. At the same time, being over-stressed can affect your immune system, which can also inflame skin issues like acne. If you have skin conditions like allergies, eczema or psoriasis, these are also more likely to flare up if you’re stressed.

#4 Muscle cramps. When you’re stressed, you may tense your muscles. After prolonged tension, this can lead to all kinds of cramps. Although you might have tummy cramps one day and foot cramp the next, a lot of people find that they are affected in a particular way. I get back pain and tension headaches when I’m stressed.

#5 Menstrual problems. Stress can make your periods arrive early, late or disappear altogether. Most annoyingly, it can increase period pain. In the long-term, stress can affect fertility for both men and women. If you’re worried about this, keep a diary that includes stress level notes for auditing and talk to your gynae.

Note: I have two jobs, author and counselling psychologist. This article first appeared on Malaysia Women's Weekly on 22 December 2016.  Go over and check out the free articles, and buy the magazine copy for even more goodies!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

The psychology of sudden, severe back pain

I wrenched my back rescuing a tiny kitten from a storm drain some years ago, and every now and again it goes out of whack. No biggie.

Two weeks ago when my back went I did what works for me: muscle relaxants, anti inflammatories and I lie flat for a day or two. Then I go out and about, but slowly. I also take my back for a swim, because it's a good easy way to stretch.


I tend to avoid medical information online because I'm not a doctor and so I can't critically evaluate information. However, this popped up in one of my news feeds, 10 myths about back pain and as it happens, this is the advice I've had in the past. 

This time I hurt my back on Monday but by Wednesday I was okay again, swimming for thirty minutes, no problem. So on Friday I went out. I walked a mile or two, and ended up in a mall, looking for cat treats. While there, a wildly running child ran into my back, full tilt.

Courtesy Geralt Pixabay
Right.

Luckily I was too hurt to swear at the brat. I simply limped off, took a breather on a bench, and then went on to meet up with my friends as usual.

Three hours later I was home and lying flat again. The next morning I couldn't move. Any movement provoked screaming pain. And I mean, screaming. Full blown sciatica.

About Pain And Mind

Pain is subjective, and so are reactions, but this is my experience:
Courtesy Marcelabr Pixabay

Insight #1: Extreme pain is frightening. I didn't want to be touched, and it freaked me out if anything or anyone came near me.

Insight #2: The fear messes with your mind. When pain is extreme, there's just one message you can focus on: avoid it. Everything else becomes completely unimportant.

Insight #3: Real pain causes tears - lots of them. I was okay if I kept flat and totally still, but moving was agony. Sitting made me weep. Lying down after sitting made me cry too.

Insight #4: Pain is humiliating because it makes you helpless. I was completely aware of what pain was doing to me, but even so it made me feel dreadful that I was in floods, that I couldn't move, and that I was totally useless. Embarrassing.

Insight #5: Despite the pain, certain essentials are inevitable. When pain comes and goes, it takes a certain frame of mind to move through it. With my back, I found I could lie still and be okay.  It was just moving that hurt. Ideally I was going to lie totally still until my back stopped screaming at me. However, one must pee. 

I lay in bed, thinking that I should simply stop drinking water just to avoid the agony of making myself sit up and shuffle to the bathroom. Although it's ten feet away from the bed, it was taking me a full 20 minutes to get up and shuffle there. And I'm talking one way.

What helped me!

Helpful #1: Knowing what the issues were. Yes it was scary, humiliating and horrible all round, but understanding the connection between the physical and the mental helped me manage both.

Helpful #2: Putting the pain aside from me. This is a little harder to explain but what I find useful is to think of my painful back as not being part of the essential me. I am the person, the pain is just a nasty thing that's messing up the body that carries me. It's a way of distancing myself from the pain.  I talk about it that way too, by saying, "I take my back for a swim" and "I'm going to see how my back will take to doing this".

Helpful #3: A walking stick.  I found that a stick gave me certainty. Having a solid foundation to lean on made it easier to push through the pain when getting up and sitting down. I could also use the handle to pick stuff up.

Helpful #4: Shaping my environment. I rearranged my bedside table so that I had my ipad and connections all next to me. I moved all the loo paper so I didn't have to twist or reach. And once I got out of my bed, I moved everything in the kitchen and fridge to the top shelves so I didn't have to bend. 

Helpful #5: Telling my husband what I needed. The people who love you want to help, but they're not clairvoyant. This is common sense but it's amazing what we don't do "because we don't want to be a bother".

I realised that what I really, really missed was my early morning coffee. But the machine is downstairs, which was about an hour's travel. So I asked my husband if he could bring me coffee in bed. What a difference!

Helpful #6: Socialising!  I couldn't go anywhere and I certainly didn't want people coming round, but thanks to the Net I was able to Skype and chat with friends. Very cheering! 

Helpful #7: Serious drugs. If I'd been home in Spain, I would have gone straight to the doctor. It's not my first option now because I have had some very mixed results from seeing doctors in Malaysia.

To be clear, I've met lots of excellent ones.  However, there was the man who poked me with his pen because his religion forbade him to touch women who weren't related to him, and the woman who sold me "special" medicine that I later found in the chemist and supermarket - at ten times less than she charged me. We've also had media reports of bogus medical practitioners (like this one, and this one) and problems about faked results. As such, I was too scared to go to hospital and trust in an unknown doctor.

I went to see my GP who is a rock of common sense. She knows I'm paranoid about strange doctors so she gave me a lecture on when to go to emergency (e.g., if my leg went numb). I wanted to give it 24 hours so she gave me a shot of something. I'm sorry, but I can't remember the name, I think it was Olfen but it may have been a painkiller.

She also gave me Neurorubine Forte, a combo of vitamins B1, B6, and B12 that give your nervous system a kick and OLFEN 100, an anti-rheumatic, anti-inflammatory and analgesic.

After seeing my GP I was back in bed, exhausted with the pain and possibly the drugs too. I slept 14 hours and when I woke up, I felt a million times better. I made a point of shuffling about the house every hour on the hour. The day after that I woke up feeling another million times better. Actually, I felt fine.

WEIRD And that's the other thing about this kind of back pain: it's full on for days and then it disappears as quickly as it turned up. I'm told that nerves get pinched causing super pain and then unpinch just as suddenly. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but it does describe exactly how I felt. On the third day I felt bruised and a bit shaky, also nervous in case it came back, but I was okay.  Really.

Now I'm back to work, but being very careful. I lie down as often as I sit and I'm making a point this week of going for a swim every day.

Bottom Line

If you have sudden severe pain, expect to be frightened. Understand it may confuse you, so do have someone you trust to help you when you seek medical advice. Your trusted person needs to make sure all the questions are asked, and to keep track of what you need to do to get better.

Seeing pain comes with a lot of emotional upheaval, you may want to talk to someone like me. This is especially true if your pain is long term because pain and depression can go hand in hand.  So if you're suffering, for goodness sake reach out! 

And here's my professional plug: I work on Skype and Facetime, so you needn't leave your bed! Email me!