 |
Today we'll take a look at the question, "I'm desperate but I can't leave" by examining the tactics abusers use to completely control you.
Interestingly, abuse is a systematic process that is the same all over the world. You might be in Finland or Saudi or Taiwan – it's always the same deal.
Intimidation – they start small, like yelling at other people when they're driving. As a nice person, you are taken aback at this anger, so you try to calm them. Next, they start smashing things, like maybe their phone. As a nice person, you are shocked, and also a little scared. You're getting the abuser's message: be frightened of my rage. It may be you, next.
Emotional abuse – at first this is cast as 'helpful advice' or 'just a joke' like "You need to smile more" and "You're not as smart as you think". Maybe it's a nasty nickname, "my chubby panda". Before long, you get constant abuse that you're stupid, ugly, crazy, etc etc
Isolation – they begin by making you cancel seeing your friends 'because I can't bear for you to leave me' and if you do go, you get endless texts that completely spoil your time away. Before long, your friends are 'difficult' and 'gossiping about you' or 'flaky' and 'not right for you'. They criticise your parents as well. And then, they create a fight and tell you that you have to choose between them and your family and friends.
Minimizing, denying and blaming – everything that happens is your fault. If they make you cry, it's because you're too sensitive. If they scare you, it's because you made them do it. They will lie to others about events, and say you are crazy or a liar.
Using children and pets – like a kidnapper and terrorist, they will threaten the people and things you love. "If you make me angry, I'll take the kids and you will never see them again." Or "I will poison your dog, if you upset me."
Using privilege – this is where they try to get the universe to endorse them. Male abusers will assert things like, "Women are no good at logic and so they need men to look after them" and treat women like a servant who has to obey orders. Female abusers will assert things like, "Who do you think you are? Don't try and step outside your competence" and treat the man like a servant or a wallet. In same sex relationships, the abuser will define how roles work – and you have no say.
Economic abuse – the person who controls the money, controls the home. And if you are broke, you can't run away. Therefore, abusers aim to get you trapped into being poor. At the beginning, they talk you out of getting a job or a promotion. If you're unlucky enough to have married them, they give you an allowance and you have to account for every single Sen.
Coercion and threats – this can be simple and direct, as in "If you try to leave me I will kill you" or simple and indirect, as in "If you try to leave me I will kill myself" or subtle "If you leave me, I will make your life a living hell" Some will try to put you in a position where you break the law, and then blackmail you into doing what they want by threatening to report you.
Abuse is so systematic, that there is a graphic for it: the power and control wheel. Google it if you like to read more about it.
And if you're recognising you're in an abusive relationship, listen to me: you are not helpless and you are not alone. If you can, take a breath, and walk out.
If you feel stuck, help available varies from country to country. Google domestic violence support in your country. If you live in a place that supports victims, call the government agencies. If you don't, look for NGOs. Note: reaching out to a neighbouring country can be useful if you are stuck in a hell hole.
In this series:
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 1, "How can I tell if I am in an abusive relationship?"
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 2 "How did I get into this?"
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 3 "I'm desperate but I can't leave." Examining the tactics abusers use to completely control you.
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 4 "Will therapy fix my abusive relationship?"
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 5 "How to get out of an abusive relationship and get your mojo back."
Image by cocoparisienne
