Is Mainstream Psychology Racist? Why Western Therapy May Not Work for Southeast Asians—And How to Fix It

Have you read psychology books or papers and felt frustrated – or that the information is irrelevant?

The idea that we are all the same is popular—and in some ways, it’s true. We all have hearts, lungs, and kidneys in the same place. But psychology isn’t just about biology; it’s about how we think, feel, and live—and that varies greatly across cultures.

As much psychology was developed in Europe and North America, mainstream therapy or self-help books may not work well in other places.

I’ve lived and worked in Malaysia and Indonesia for over 30 years and now run a global practice. I adapt therapy to different cultural needs and want to share how you can find a therapist who actually works for you.

"I" vs. "We" Cultures

Western cultures emphasise individualism—people see themselves as individuals first, then as part of a family or group. This fosters independence and empowerment. The downside is that is also can lead to loneliness. When needs clash, there is open conflict.

In Southeast Asia, collectivism is the norm—people see themselves as part of a family or group first. The upside is that you’re never alone. The downside is that the demand for conformity can be frustrating. Open conflict is avoided, but social pressure or bullying to enforce group norms is common.

Family Support vs. Public Safety Nets

In the West, public social safety nets are a priority—taxes fund unemployment benefits, disability support, universal healthcare, and elder care. The US is an exception, as it lacks universal healthcare. While life is expensive, it means we have a safety cushion. We can leave our jobs and move house or city if we want to. If family are toxic, we can leave and our lives are maybe difficult but not over.

In Southeast Asia, morality centres on family responsibility. Taxes are low, and government benefits are limited. If you’re unemployed or ill, your family is expected to support you. Some countries, like Malaysia and Singapore, offer minimal government aid, but most support comes from relatives, not the state. While life is cheaper, you need to build your own safety cushion.  It can be very difficult to leave a job or move. If family are toxic, it is hard to leave as the system makes it difficult to be independent.

Different Views on Mental Health

Western psychology treats mental health as a medical issue. This reduces stigma and encourages a problem-solving approach. The downside is that we can lose sight of the person; we typically try and throw pills at problems first and engaging as humans second. Part of this attitude is fuelled by mental health care being expensive compared to pills.  

In Southeast Asia, views are changing slowly but mental health is linked traditionally to weak character, evil spirits, or past life events. This fuels shame and stigma, making people avoid seeking help. Even today, admitting to mental health issues can cost you a job or promotion. Stigma has us avoiding medication, even when needed, and also because there are few psychiatrists. Traditional healing methods like prayers and rituals can offer comfort but don’t provide lasting solutions.

Hierarchy and Communication in Therapy

Western therapy is direct—clients state their issues openly, and therapists treat them as equals. This helps therapy progress quickly and efficiently.

In Southeast Asia, discussing personal problems—especially about parents, bosses, or authority figures—is difficult. Clients may withhold or misrepresent information out of shame or discomfort. Since therapists are seen as higher in hierarchy, clients may hesitate to voice concerns if therapy isn’t working.

Race and Religion in Therapy

Both the West and Southeast Asia struggle with racism, sexism, ageism, and religious discrimination. However, these issues are often hard to discuss openly, despite their impact on mental health.

How to Find the Right Therapist for You

If you’re from Southeast Asia, look for a therapist who:
✅ Respects confidentiality to help you feel safe sharing.
✅ Uses indirect communication and storytelling to foster understanding.
✅ Provides psychoeducation, so you gain practical coping skills.
✅ Focuses on solutions, rather than endless self-exploration.
✅ Considers family and social roles, not just the individual.
✅ Discusses hierarchy and its impact on your mental health.
✅ Is open to non-harmful traditional healing practices like seven-flower baths, prayer, and mindfulness.

Final Thoughts

Therapy should be adapted to fit your cultural background—not force you into a Western model. By choosing the right approach, you can make therapy work for you without feeling disconnected from your roots.

 

Self-help vs. Professional Help: Knowing When to Call In the Mental Health Expert

You wouldn’t ignore a clogged sink forever—so why ignore persistent depression?

Many people waste hours trying to heal their depression.

They know there’s something not quite right.

They know there are tools that can help.

They spend weeks or months working hard and getting very little return.

But they hesitate to talk to a psychotherapist.

I get it. Mental health services are not cheap. And when you see all the self-help resources out there, DIY seems a reasonable option.

But is it?

I think of it this way: I’m happy to change a washer in a tap or dump a bit of Mr Muscle down a sink but when there’s a persistent blockage or the water heater goes, I call the plumber.

Mental health is the same.

There are lots of excellent how to articles, podcasts and videos created by mental health professionals.

If you are a bit low after a breakup or you’re not having a blast at work every day, checking out quality sources will give you what you need.

But if the depression is persistent or overwhelming, then you need to figure out if you’re looking at a symptom or a condition.

Confused? Let me explain.

I think of depression as spots: you may have spots because you have chickenpox, a fungal infection, or an allergy to soap.

There's no point in changing your soap if you have chickenpox.

With persistent or overwhelming depression, identifying the cause is the first step to healing because it allows you to choose an appropriate treatment method.

This is trickier than it sounds because there are various approaches.

I use cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), behavioural activation and existential therapy–all of them have their uses but there's no one-size-fits-all.

Also, sometimes it is more efficient to treat the root cause rather than the depression itself.

For example, if your depression is the result of being bullied in the office, the best way forward may be to help you change departments or jobs, and then to focus on recovery and learning lessons so you can avoid repeating the situation.

In short, you are a special snowflake. You’re one of a kind, and for mental health services to truly help, we need to understand what makes you, you.

So, if you have a persistent mental health issue, enlisting the services of a mental plumber registered psychotherapist and counsellor is much more efficient and effective than a whole bottle of Mr Muscle.

If you’re looking for professional support, contact me.

I'm updating my therapy agreement. Don't panic! It's not an increase

 

I'm updating my therapy agreement. Don't panic! It's not an increase. 

There are two new conditions.

My current rate is £45 per hour but established clients like you get a discount. (If you don't know how this works, ask me.) How those discounts apply will change on 1st April 2025.

First, I am accepting 17-year-olds as clients. If you are a client, your child gets your discounted rate. By child, I mean your kids and step-kids aged 17 and up. Is your kid already in their 30s? Talk to me and we work it out.

Second, established clients maintain their discount for one year only. If you have a gap between sessions that is longer than one year, I treat you as a new client. This means you lose your discount.
 
I appreciate this will have some of you checking in once every 364 days to maintain the rate 'just in case'. If you have feelings about this, text me.

Also, if you want to join the once a month blog post notice, hit reply and tell me and I'll add you to my list. Easy on, easy off.

‘What Were the Kids Doing?’—The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa Deaths and the Hard Truth About Personal Agency

The Gene Hackman and Betsy Arakawa deaths sparked a lot of ‘what were the kids doing’ posts. I think it’s important to share an observation: we have very little control over others, even when they make poor decisions. 

 

We have had these discussions in my family and I have clients who have struggled with this issue too. 

 

When an old person is difficult or makes terrible choices, one cannot simply order them about.

 

You can’t force someone to see a doctor, take their medication, or even take up the offer of you sending a regular cleaner. When an adult says they don’t want your help or your advice, that is the end of the matter.

 

There is one exception: being declared non compos mentis, or incapable of making rational decisions, perhaps due to dementia or other illness.

 

However, the bar for this is extremely high and it costs a fortune. Going to court and asking a judge to take away someone’s rights is incredibly difficult. And rightly so. Freedom is precious. 

 

Mr Hackman had dementia but Ms Arakawa did not. That means the couple made their own choices. 

 

They chose to be reclusive, even though they could afford help. That was a poor choice. Even a twice a week check-in would have saved one of them, and their poor dog. 

 

These situations are extremely common. Many folks refuse to be sensible about their limitations.

It’s hard for bystanders, because we want to control the situation. We think we know best. Also, we worry. 

 

It’s so easy to have an accident, to fall over, to have a stroke or get stuck on the floor. Therefore, it’s infuriating when a person refuses to be sensible.

 

In many families, the kids and the others burn out. They try and try, and eventually give up. It’s a dreadful situation. 

 

I hope that when my time comes, I have enough money to buy check-ins and support. Hopefully, I’ll also have the sense to accept I need it. 

 

However it works, ageing is not easy, for ourselves and the people we love. When it goes wrong because an oldie refuses help, we can make it easier by refusing to blame. 

 

Accepting that many things cannot be fixed is a step towards kindness.

"I’m Not Toxic, I’m Honest! You Don’t Want Me To Be Fake, Do You?" Love, Learned Wrong: How Abusive Homes and Childhoods Teach Us to Sabotage Our Relationships in Later Life

Suze is a sweetheart at work—kind, caring, and respectful. But when she comes home and Ted is excited about finally making the perfect pasta dinner for them, Suze shrugs and shuts him down.  

Ted is hurt and says so. “I spent an hour making this. Why can’t you say something nice?”  
“I don’t care what I eat,” Suze says. “You don’t want me to be fake, do you?”  

A week later, Suze is shocked that Ted has packed his bags and is leaving her.  

What’s going on here? It may be that Suze just doesn’t like Ted, has no manners, and didn’t think to tell him she wanted out of the relationship.  

However, if Suze comes from a difficult or dysfunctional family, she may have been taught to sabotage her most loving relationships.  

Here’s how that works.

Hard Truths: Understanding ‘Respect’ in Abusive Families

Difficult, dysfunctional, toxic or abuse families come in all kinds of flavours.  However, many of them will teach their kids the same lesson:  you must respect me but I will not respect you.

Suze was taught to respect all older people, no matter what.
“If your aunt calls you fat and stupid, just smile.”
“I can scream insults at you but you are never allowed to be in a bad mood.”
“Don’t do as I do; do as I tell you.”

Also, Suze learned some powerful lessons about her feelings.

When Suze was 6, she got an A for art. Her dad said,
“Yeah, well, so what. It’s not going to earn you money, is it?”
When Suze cried and showed she was upset, her dad said,
“I’m your father and I’m giving you good advice.”

When Suze was 9, she tried on a princess dress and loved it. Her mum said,
“You’re too fat to wear that.”
When Suze cried and was upset, her mum said,
“Family always tell each other the truth.”

From this, Suze learned:
•    It’s okay to hurt the people close to you.
•    Cruelty is honest.   
•    When you’re powerful, being vicious is acceptable.

So when Suze goes out into the world, she treats her loved ones with disdain, disrespect or even cruelty and calls it ‘being honest’. And then she wonders why she loses friends and can’t sustain a loving relationship.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma

If your partner is a Suze

If you live with a Suze, you may want to leave. That’s a valid choice. Nobody should put up with abuse and nastiness.  

If you are willing to give them a chance for change, sit them down and have a good talk.  

Define the unwanted behaviour, define the wanted behaviour, set a deadline by which you want to see change, and send them to me so they get help making the change.  

Be compassionate, but be careful. Being abusive is nice because you get to do what you want. Be careful you’re not rewarding token efforts or enabling unacceptable behaviour.

If you are the toxic partner

If you are the Suze: breathe!  Also, if you have a nasty narrator in your head, tell her to shove off while we talk.

Here are some truths:
•    Kids learn by copying the adults around them. It’s how humans work.
•    Everyone is a mess of good and not so good.
•    As we grow up, we begin to analyse our values and behaviour.
•    Sometimes you’ll look at some of your values and behaviour and think, “I’m going to call that a feature and keep it” and some others you’ll say, “Yikes! That I want to change.”
•    All human beings are a constant self-improvement project.
•    Change takes insight and effort.  First, human beings resist change. Second, thoughts, values and behaviour are linked.  To change how you act, you need to understand how you think.
•    We often underestimate how many skills we have. This is because we tend to limit ourselves depending on different environments. For example, Suze is friendly at work so she has good social and respect skills. All she has to do is transfer them to her home life.

Change is easier when you have professional support. That’s where I come in.

I can help you turbocharge the process, helping you achieve your goals with ease.  When you’re ready to become the best version of yourself, drop me a note. You deserve to be happy 🌟

Image by Mo Farrelly at Pixabay

Why Abuse Survivors Hate Valentine's Day and Other Holidays

Abuse survivors typically aren’t comfortable with Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Chinese New Year, Deepavali, Eid and other holidays for good reason. When you are with people who enjoy being nasty, who take any opportunity for offense, and who live for creating drama, you learn: celebration = trouble.

Raj won’t celebrate Deepavali because that’s when his dad gets drunk and screams.

Grace’s bulimia flares up at Chinese New Year because that’s when her aunts bully her for being single.

Fiona is nervous around Valentine’s Day because her ex would hijack the holiday and use it to:
•    Tell she wasn’t pretty enough,
•    Complain his gift that wasn’t right,
•    Accuse her of cheating,
•    And then scream at her in public to humiliate her.

Holidays are fun when you are with good people, but for survivors these events bring up a fear reaction.  

If you know a Fiona, Grace or Raj, be kind.
If you are Fiona, Grace or Raj, know you’re not stuck!  You can learn new habits and create effective change.  If you’re looking for help on that, PM me <3  

How Childhood Spanking and Caning Impact the Brain: Links to Anxiety and Memory Issues

In my free 15-minute discussion with potential clients I ask some basic questions about your mental health history.

If you tell me you are an over-thinker, and self-harmed when you were a teen or had a bout of bulimia, I make a note to check into childhood abuse during sessions. If you don’t remember much about growing up, I’ll ask about childhood punishment.

Shocking, right? But here’s why I do so. 

First, there is a link between childhood violence and anxiety in later life. 
Second, self-harm and eating disorders can be a result of anxiety.
Third, violence is linked to memory issues.

Many of us worry about judging our parents or evaluating our childhood. However, it’s an important topic because the effects of violence can stop you from leading your best life.  

Here’s what the science says and some suggestions for effective change and safe healing.

The Science of Violence

As this is a tough topic, here are Tic Tac and Inkie

Research is accelerating rapidly due to technology (imaging mostly) so a lot of theory is now being tested and evaluated.

For example, we used to think that spanking and yelling were totally different from caning and sexual assault. Turns out that’s wrong!

When you are small and your parent or other guardian adult hits you, you suffer from violence, pain, and you feel helpless. For a little kid, spanking is a violent event.

What the child learns is that he or she is not safe, not even with a parent or guardian. That is scary!

Research shows that such violence can rewire young brains.

In 2021 a team lead by Jorge Cuartas at Harvard University recruited 147 kids aged around 11 years old. They hooked the kids up to a brain scan machine and then showed them an angry face.

They discovered that the 40 kids who’d been spanked showed brain activity associated with anxiety. The 107 kids who has not been spanked didn’t have that reaction. Source and Source

In simple English, children who learn that they can’t be safe become very sensitive to danger.  

As their threshold of danger is low, they are much more anxious in everyday life. They see danger where other people are confident. That has a lasting impact.

What I see in my practice is that people who are very sensitive to danger, are typically scared of people being angry or upset. They are also scared of making mistakes. 

Because of this, they avoid opportunities for growth. They are so scared of making a mistake that they will only take opportunities where they can get things 100% right easily. They won’t risk learning something that involves a lot of hit and miss.

BUT it’s not one-size-fits-all. 

Theory and big studies are excellent for big picture thinking but it is a mistake to apply it ruthlessly to individuals.

Some kids are more affected than others. Some kids heal. Why is a hugely debated question.

Variables include:

·         The character of the violence, e.g, how violent, how often, when, what, how
·         The personality of the child, e.g some personality factors appear to protect against harm
·         The child’s environment, e.g was it one person, many people, what was the support network like, what models did the child have growing up
·         Culture, e.g is the punishment associated with shame for the target or the aggressor, is it widespread in that culture or not

Because of these variables, helping people assess damage and charting a healing path takes some work.

There is no fixed formula for healing.  

The Impact of Violence On Memory

A lot of the people I speak to don’t remember their childhood very clearly because they were caned or punished often.

Current thinking runs along these lines:  source  source

·         We don’t know a lot about how memory works.
·         We know that people have imperfect memory of violent events
·         We do know that violence causes a surge of brain activity, including the release of stress hormones
·         We think that the stress hormones may disrupt the memory making process

As violence messes with memory making, and everyone is different, how violence impacts on us varies from person to person and from event to event.

Example: if Kim is caned by her parents, she may remember how her mother looked, what her father said just before they beat her, and the pain of that first stroke. 

However, she may not remember the rest of the attack or the rest of that day. 

Some of those details may come back later BUT as the brain does tend to ‘suggest’ details so it ‘feels right’ some of those details may be correct and some may not. 

So, just trying to remember the details about trauma is tricky. source

Steps And Obstacles To Healing

One of the major obstacles for doing this is judgement. If you are frightened of judging your parents and guardians, consider these points:

Pre-internet, parents didn’t know a lot about parenting. They did what their parents did. This is why we have generational trauma.

However, beating a child who is terrified takes some doing. In therapy, both parents and clients have shared experiences where adults attacked kids because they were in a bad mood. 

So here is my prime directive: violence is a choice. If you were attacked by an adult, it’s on them.

However, as people make mistakes, you may decide to talk it over.  In some families, this conversation includes acknowledgement of harm, an apology, and is healing.

Then again, given that many violent adults refuse to acknowledge the harm they do, that may not be possible. 

You should know that many parents double down and claim it is their right to be violent. Or they lie and try to gaslight you into thinking it never happened.

Thankfully, you can heal without family participation.

To heal, you see where you are today, identify if you have anxiety and if so, where and how it works, and then implement steps for effective change. Again, while the process is simple, there is no fixed formula for the work that needs done. Every person is different. 

My usual advice to clients is:

·         Don’t worry about ‘normal’ – you feel the way you do and that’s okay
·         Healing is a process.  What doesn’t work for you today may work tomorrow, so keep assessing and moving forward
·         You can learn from all kinds of resources about healing from violence. Listen to the experiences of military people, charity workers, social workers, paramedics, doctors, nurses, parents with sick kids – everyone has a story and it’s surprising what you can learn just from listening with an open mind

Healing is always at hand. If you want help from a professional therapist skilled in healing from abuse, you know where to find me.