Thursday, October 12, 2017

I am safe to come out to - celebrating Coming Out Day in the USA

Today is National Coming Out Day in the USA, a time dedicated to raising awareness of civil rights for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community.

If you don't know me personally, this seems a good day to say that I am a safe person to come out to.

If you're in a country where being LGBT is a crime, and you're looking for a therapist for managing depression and stress, please know you can talk to me secretly and safely.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Are you being sexually harassed online? Here's what to do.

Online sexual harassment is common and I’m fed up of people who think we should suck it up or ignore this incredibly wicked and damaging behaviour.

If you are a victim, here are some tips for reporting effectively.

We’re going to do this in three stages: documenting, reporting and support.

Thanks to Stevenpb from Pixabay
1. Take screenshots of each and every incident.

2. Note the time and date.

3. Take a screenshot of the perpetrator’s personal details. Be sure to capture all their pages, from their education to their contact list.

4. Write a coherent detailed report of what happened and when, complete with all your screenshots. If you find anything is missing, now is the time to go back and collect evidence.

5. When your report is complete, report each comment to Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter etc. Each comment is a report, so note down when you report them, and add that information to your report. Yes, take a screenshot!

6. Block the user who is harassing you. From this moment on, you can’t see him or her anymore, so once you’ve done this, you won’t be able to add to your report, okay? So make double sure you have everything you need before this step.

Contact MyCERT, the Malaysian cyber security people. Note, this works if there is a Malaysian connection: for example, you can use them if you are in Malaysia, the perpetrator is in Malaysia, or the company he or she works for is Malaysian.

If there is no Malaysian connection at all, contact whoever is responsible for cyber crimes in your own community.

My advice is to phone and then email MyCERT. Ask for an incidence report number. Add this to your overall report.

Once you’ve lodged your MyCERT report, you can consider these further options.

A. Take the information to the police. If you aim to take this to court, or you think the person attacking you will turn up at your house/office one day, you need to alert the police.
If you don’t intend to go to court, and don't anticipate other dangers, then this step may or may not be worth it.

On the one hand, the police should know what’s going on. For all we know, the person harassing you is already a person of interest in other crimes. This may or may not include stalking, domestic violence, criminal intimidation and so on. If that is so, the police really need to hear from you.

On the other, the police tend to be understaffed when it comes to tech crime experts. My view is that a reasonable compromise is to go and see them and ask if they’d like a formal report. Policing should be a community effort, and so reasonable adults should be able to talk reasonably.

B. Inform the company the perpetrator works for that you have filed an official complaint.

In my view this is incredibly important. If someone is happy to sexually harass you online, you can bet your boots they’re doing it at work too.

We all know how hard it is to make a formal complaint at work about harassment. It is vital that management has a heads-up so they can make informed decisions.

Also, if it were my company, I would want to know that my people were disgracing my name online.

However, it's up to you to decide if you want to do this. If you feel uncomfortable, you might also talk to a lawyer and have her do it for you.

Me, I'm the direct kind. I would write directly to the CEO and let her send it to whoever needs to deal with it within her own system. For a very large company, I might also copy my note to HR. And if I weren't seeing a response, I would send it to their corporate communications department. Believe me, if you want a response, the media people will be screaming the second they get your email.

C. You may decide not to report it further.

Reporting means getting more people involved, more talking and there is no doubt that many people just can't cope with that kind of pressure.

If that's you, then make your report to MyCERT and the social media it happened on and leave it. I know I'll get slammed for this but let me tell you: if it's going to make you ill, then don't force yourself to be a hero. Just keep reporting; that's good enough. The more of us who report, the better. And your information may bolster someone else's case.

If you decide to tackle these bullies, good for you! Yes, it's a drain but the more of us who step up, the easier it becomes for others to speak up. So go for it, but do make sure that you manage the stress that goes along with this kind of case.

You can expect some fallout for reporting. First, there are invariably ignorant and hurtful comments online from people who blame you for being the victim of this crime. It’s up to you whether you choose to educate them or remove them from your friends list.

Second, you may also face harassment from the perpetrator’s pals who hope to frighten you off. After all, you’re spoiling their nasty little game by shining a light on them. This can get very nasty, from having them put out fake news about you, to direct physical threats of violence. If you're worried, talk to the police and your lawyer. In case of extra harassment, document and report.

Finally, when you report your case may go nowhere. However, if someone decent becomes involved, they will follow up. That can mean telling your story over and over again. That is in itself stressful because it's like having the wound poked at repeatedly, plus there's bound to be questioning of your motives, person etc.

To cope with the overall stress, my advice is to gather your support network. Identify friends, colleagues and acquaintances who can help you long-term, short-term and in specific instances. Make a list!

Also, spend twenty minutes a day focusing on destressing. That should have a twin focus:

1. Doing something fun that you like (talking to your cat, watching silly films on YouTube) and,

2. Working of physical stress either by running or by hitting something very hard to get rid of the anger (tennis, squash, kickboxing - whatever works)

You might also enlist the help of a professional like me to help you manage this difficult time.

And finally, don’t blame yourself! Put the blame where it is: on the nasty minds who get their kicks from attacking others.

Good luck!