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"Everyone knew he was bad news but she just didn't see it.""He had to be really stupid to stay with that controlling bitch.""It's her own fault. If she didn't like it, she could just have walked out."
Big debunk: victims of abuse don't 'ask for it' and they're
certainly not stupid.
As I said yesterday, abusive partners use control mechanisms
that create a kind of mental fog which prevents victims from seeing what's
going on.
This is how it works:
#1 You meet someone and they are a romantic dream come true.
It's love and care, sweetness and light. They're there for you. You're in LOVE.
#2 You're so in love, that they are all over your life – and
you think it's glorious. You text ten times an hour and want it to be more.
They collect you from work, call you to make sure you got to the office, and
even ask in detail about what you said you had for lunch. You have no time for
anyone else.
#3 You mess up. Or there's a misunderstanding. For a moment,
all that wonderful LOVE teeters on the brink of disaster. You're panicked,
thinking it's all over. But then – RESOLVE!
It's so romantic! You talk for hours and hours. They're sorry, they
misunderstood or maybe you did something but they forgive you. Who cares what
it was really all about? It doesn't matter because you get all that wonderful
loving back.
Okay, so here's what's really going on.
Deconstructing the three steps.
Step #1 is about getting you hooked. The idea is planted in
your mind that perfection is there. You get a taste of sheer heaven. Step #2 is
about getting into your life. It's beyond intrusive but you don't notice
because of that love fog. Step #3 is where you are shown the real person. You
think you had a fight or misunderstanding but what this really is about is
punishment.
What they're doing is this: they're letting you know that
perfect love is there IF YOU FOLLOW THE RULES. And this is the kicker: you're
so panicked by losing that vision of perfection that it doesn't occur to you to
question them. All you can think of is what you might lose.
So, you give in, crawl, do whatever and that's when you are
firmly on the hook. What happens next are these two steps:
#4 You cycle through steps #1 to #3 again, and each time you
sink in a little deeper. Before you know it, you think you are to blame. You
believe they are wonderful but you are just a total screwup. You become
anxious, determined to 'do better'.
How do they make you think like that? We'll look into this more closely tomorrow
but the basic process runs like this:
#They strip away your self-esteem. Typical methods include,
"You're not so smart" and "My last partner was prettier/better
than you"
#They isolate you from friends and family. Typical methods include, "Your friends
secretly talk about you behind your back" and "You'll have to choose
between me and them" Also, if you dare go off and socialise, you get
sulked at, are given the silent treatment or subjected to fits of jealous rage.
Maybe they text you over and over while you are out too, making sure they ruin
your time away.
#They scare you. This involves making you cry if you 'talk
back' and throwing fits of temper until you're too scared in case you 'trigger
them'. Maybe they don't hit you, but they smash something like a plate or they
punch the wall. The message is easy: next time, it might be you. Sometimes it
IS you!
Once they have you too scared to speak up, away from people
who love you, and doubting yourself, they have total control over you. They
maintain that either with those steps or by adding more layers (we'll cover
that tomorrow)
But once they have you this point, you get:
Step #5 Trauma bonding. You are so lost that you convince
yourself that the other person is the only person in the world who cares. You can't
leave because you literally can't imagine being free.
And this is what is difficult to believe if you haven't seen
it: abuse makes the victim believe they are helpless. They think that the only
person who can 'save' them is their abuser. This is why there is a push now in
many countries to make reporting and policing of abuse mandatory. Victims
literally have trouble helping themselves.
If this is definitely not you, 💕 But please, if you hear others victim shaming
and blaming, speak up! Educate them.
And if you're thinking😱😱 😱and recognise you're in an abusive
relationship, listen to me: you are not helpless and you are not alone. Take a
breath, and walk out.
If you need help or are afraid of physical violence, here are some local Malaysian help resources.
If you need help or are afraid of physical violence, here are some local Malaysian help resources.
For free help, I usually recommend All Women's Action Society (AWAM)
as they have counsellors who are about to graduate from their Masters
degrees manning their centre. So, you get good help free from people who
will very soon be running their own business. MEN: awam will help you too!
Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) are also good.
There are govt services but from what I hear, it can take quite a while to get to see them.
Your governmental department counselling service (it's free!)
http://mmha.org.my/reso.../directory-of-counselling-services
Click on GOVERNMENT to find the free services
Visit your District Social Welfare Office: (Office hours only)
Find the address for your state/town at http://www.jkm.gov.my/ and click on Contact Us
There are also resources like Befrienders, religious centres etc that are staffed by volunteers. I no longer suggest those as too many people tell me they can't get through. If that changes, I'll add them back to the list.
Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) are also good.
There are govt services but from what I hear, it can take quite a while to get to see them.
Your governmental department counselling service (it's free!)
http://mmha.org.my/reso.../directory-of-counselling-services
Click on GOVERNMENT to find the free services
Visit your District Social Welfare Office: (Office hours only)
Find the address for your state/town at http://www.jkm.gov.my/ and click on Contact Us
There are also resources like Befrienders, religious centres etc that are staffed by volunteers. I no longer suggest those as too many people tell me they can't get through. If that changes, I'll add them back to the list.
In this series:
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 1, "How can I tell if I am in an abusive relationship?"
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 2 "How did I get into this?"
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 3 "I'm desperate but I can't leave." Examining the tactics abusers use to completely control you.
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 4 "Will therapy fix my abusive relationship?"
Understanding emotional abuse and getting out of it. Part 5 "How to get out of an abusive relationship and get your mojo back."
