In 2019 a
couple of issues kept popping up, specifically how common childhood experiences
shape adult mental health in sometimes unexpected ways twenty, thirty and even
forty years on. Here are some thoughts. They're not brilliantly written because
I'm super tired.
And before we
start: if you tell me how amazing it is to beat the crap out of kids because
it's discipline, you get blocked. I'm not kidding. Today I am not putting up
with any nonsense. (This was posted on my FB page originally, see for yourself here, it's a public page)
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Said once when
in a temper because a kid's dawdling is human. But when used as a threat, and
when mock-abandonment is used as a punishment, you get several things happening.
First, the
child feels insecure. They know they can't rely on their family to keep them
safe. So, they become anxious. As adults, they suffer from anxiety and are
easily stressed.
Second, some
decide that as they can't rely on their family, they can't rely on anyone. That
fear knocks on and causes issues in their adult relationships with spouses,
bosses, and friends.
Third, this
kind of punishment can lead to the kid deciding the world is a hostile place
and that action is better than suffering. As a teen, this can be in the form of
rebellion (anger, joining gangs etc). As an adult, you're looking at a nasty
cycle of emotional and possibly physical violence.
"I
am your mother/father and I am never wrong"
No doubt
it's convenient to have a house rule where you get to boss kids around and never
to admit you're wrong but it sends an important message: kids learn that taking
ownership of bad behaviour, apologizing and doing better isn't important.
Yup. By
acting as if you're a god, you teach your kid to be a devil.
As adults,
they run into trouble because they won't deal effectively with their own bad behaviour
in their own relationships, including those with their partners, their own kids,
friends and with employees/staff.
Hello to
fights, divorce, loneliness and huge staff turnover. Never mind the lack of personal
growth.
"You'd
look better if you're thinner/more muscular"
Telling a child
they need to be slim or to look ripped is telling your kids they're unlovable. This
lays the ground for teenage mental health issues that includes eating
disorders, body image issues and unhealthy lifestyles including drug and
alcohol abuse, never mind feeling worthless.
As adults,
they may continue to be anorexic, bulimic, depressed, anxious and there's a big
chance they fall for abusive partners who leverage that inner feeling of
worthlessness in order to gain control.
There are
more things that happen in families that cause pain for generations, but these
are three common things that come up over and over again that we seldom talk
about.
